I must have been living in a bit of a bubble.
Up until recently, I thought people appreciated any effort made to raise awareness for pregnancy- and babyloss as it is not that often talked about.
It seems that is not the case.
I received my first reality check recently where I was advised that people find my Facebook page ‘How to survive a miscarriage’ embarrassing ( check it out here if you haven’t had a chance to do so already https://www.facebook.com/miscarriagesurvivor/).
As I learned, for some people, it is uncomfortable to potentially be linked to a page that talks about miscarriage, grief and dead babies. They would prefer their friends would never know they visited the site. They don’t want them to think they had suffered a miscarriage.
Mindboggling, don’t you think?
I struggle to follow such logic (if there is logic about it at all).
At first, I was really upset and annoyed. I just didn’t get how someone could think that way or perceive my page (and therefore my heart’s work and purpose) as something to be embarrassed about.
Admittedly, I was hurt in my pride because I do think my page is pretty nifty and fairly helpful (yes, that is my ego shining through). But then I took a step back and thought about this.
Up until this point, I was surrounded by fellow lossmums and lossdads and one or two supportive people who know someone who lost a baby. So I was talking to people who get it because they have been through it. This provides an incredible amount of support and gives us all a sense of belonging.
On the other hand, it keeps isolated. We talk to each other, we help each other, we listen to each other and it stays within our circle. That creates the aforementioned bubble.
We need this bubble to keep us safe from hurtful and ignorant comments or actions such as people feeling embarrassed about the fact miscarriage exists and is talked about.
As life teaches us, living in a bubble is not meant to be. Bubbles need to burst so we can see reality and try and find our footing in it. Unfortunately, reality is often harsh which is why we cling to our bubbles with all our might. As I have found myself outside of my own bubble, I figured I would face reality as good as I can.
That is not an easy fate because in reality, lots of people want me to be quiet about miscarriage and pregnancy loss. It doesn’t fit with their structured and ordinary lives that have no room for sadness and complex things such as grieving a person you love but never met.
I get that uncomfortable feeling to a point. But I decided to explain why I won’t be silent about pregnancy loss.
Our babies matter
They may have lived only very shortly and not seen the light of day but as Dr Seuss says, a person’s a person, no matter how small. So don’t discount my baby simply because you can’t see it. He has changed my life forever, means the world to me and the world needs to know about him.
Miscarriage is isolating
I have never ever felt so lonely and isolated then right after my loss. No one wanted to talk to me about it. NO ONE. I was drowning in grief and depression but no one gave a fuck. I was surrounded by people but I was at my loneliest and lowest point. That is very fucked up.
I don’t want anyone to feel that way – ever. At a time when we need love, support and a shoulder to cry on the most, we are left with empty spaces and turned backs. Umm, no! I am not prepared to accept that. So I speak up and say “I have lost a baby and I am here for anyone who did, too’. I will keep my page running because some might find it embarrassing but if there is one person that has felt less alone because of it then hey, it was worth it and it is going to stay !!
Little does a lot
Death is devastating. It’s a brutal end to hopes and dreams, one that often creeps up on expecting mums with no warning. It tears a deep gash into their lives, has the power to tear relationships apart, crush self-confidence and damage a soul for good. And all of this is to happen in silence, because, you know, someone might feel uncomfortable or ashamed.
Fuck that, I say.
We need to talk about all aspects of life and death is one of them. I am contributing to the conversation around death and normalizing it by talking about my loss – whether you like it or not.
Some conversations are hard to have but we need to have them anyway. So next time you feel embarrassed or unsure about someone talking about miscarriage, listen instead. Say “I am so sorry’.
That’s it for the beginning. It is really not much but will have a huge impact on the person who suffered a heartbreaking loss. That is the thing I really don’t understand with people not wanting to talk about miscarriage – only little is actually needed to bring on change and help others.
We don’t need you to reinvent the world and go forth and teach compassion to your workmates. We need you to listen, show interest, give a hug and go about your day. From these little things change will come – in you, in society and in everyone trying to recover from loss. Therefore, I will keep talking about pregnancy loss and I hope you all can join me.