I have been down recently, quite down. Life has thrown me a few curveballs and I am tired. I lack energy although I am trying to get recharged but it is hard. For that reason, I am going to steer off topic a little bit with this post.
I have been thinking and worrying about mental health for a while now. My own, to start with, and that of other loved ones. Depression has been a loyal companion of mine for a while now. I don’t like it very much but for some reason it likes me. Boo!
As I have been struggling the last few days, I have been looking for inspiration and pick me ups. Instead, I came across something else. Post from mummas saying that they need to be strong, post saying ‘I want to be strong but can’t’ or ‘I don’t know how to be strong’.
They really got me thinking, especially because I don’t feel strong myself at the moment. I for one want to be strong because I associate strength with happiness. When I am strong, I am in a good place, the sun is shining and I feel like I could totally wing this thing called life. So of course I want to be strong. However, wanting to be strong and being strong is not the same thing. Sometimes it is just not possible to be strong. But we all know that. It is much harder to admit it though. Instead, we keep telling ourselves we are fine, that we are strong (and we are, just not right now!) and keep on going. Just.
I think in the last few days I wasted precious energy on trying to tell myself that I am ok. It was only today that I could say ‘No. I am not strong right now.’ It was hard to admit and I feel weak and vulnerable now writing this. But I just can’t be strong right now. I am too tired, too drained, scraping by. I can’t say I enjoy this time. I don’t like it at all. But I have to say admitting that I don’t feel strong, in fact, that I am NOT strong right now, is the start of the upward turn I reckon. The slow upward turn. It will need time, lots of time and it will only happen one day at a time.
I guess what I want to say is that by admitting to ourselves we are not strong right now, we can regain our strength slowly. Pretending to be strong is just too exhausting. And we need to remember that it is ok not to be strong, it is ok to cry, it is okay to be down for this time because life has dealt us a shit hand of cards. It is ok. IT. IS. OK. This applies to us when we mourn the loss of our baby and to other situations in life, too, like when my stupid good buddy Depression comes by for a visit. I need to remind myself that it is only temporary. It will pass. Strength will come back as it is also a companion of mine. And it is much stronger and more loyal than my sucker of a buddy, depression. So, onwards and upwards!!