‘It wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last’. There, said just like that. These words were said by a colleague who had asked my husband if I was ‘still upset’ about my miscarriage, six months after we lost our baby. My husband had answered yes to the question as indeed, I was still struggling and upset. So, therefore, these words were offered as a blunt way for me to ‘get on with it’. Because you know, miscarriages are so common, mine was not the first and it wasn’t the last so what is the big deal?
This happened five years ago. You might wonder, why is that still an issue? Do I like to hold a grudge? No. No, I do not hold a grudge. And it is still an issue because these words were and are so fucking insensitive. The worst thing for me is that they were said by someone who had their own challenges in life and I had hoped that, if someone will show me compassion and understanding, it would have been that person. But no, far from it.
These words are still an issue because they show me a few very unpleasant things. Firstly, words fucking hurt. They are said in a second and hurt for a lifetime. Secondly, people are fucking insensitive. It doesn’t matter if they had their own trials in life, if they lack emotional intelligence, all hope is lost. Thirdly, A LOT of people just don’t understand kindness and when it is needed.
To this day, I wonder if my pain, struggle and sorrow were and are justified. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? But then I look at all the Instagram posts and other women feel EXACTLY the same as I. For us, we did not just lose a pregnancy. We lost our baby and with it a whole lifetime. My baby will never go to preschool, highschool, have a first love and their heart broken for the first time. They won’t finish school and go off on an adventure. It is all lost.
Yes, my miscarriage wasn’t the first and it wasn’t the last. They keep happening, yes. This makes me feel very sad because I know that all these babies were denied a lifetime of adventures, growing up, happiness and challenges. That IS a big deal. And that is also why I am still upset about these words, said five years ago. They show that my baby means nothing to that person and that it should not be acknowledged in any way.
They’re wrong. Anyone who thinks a miscarriage does not matter is wrong. Losing a baby that way is horrific. Period. We shouldn’t need to argue or explain that fact to anyone. It should be common knowledge that losing a baby to a miscarriage is awful and the sufferers need our understanding, compassion and kindness. Yet, here we are, still in the early days of explaining to people what a miscarriage is, what if feels like to have one and how people can help us get heal from it. Ok, then. Let’s do it. Let’s change the world – one ignorant person at a time.