How Kindness can help you heal after loss, trauma and breakdowns
Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. Some of these twists and turns are wonderful to experience, others not so much. When life throws a big challenge our way, we are thrown off balance. How can we heal and move on from that kind of turn? There are many different ways on how we can help ourselves feel better. In this blog post today, I want to show you how kindness can help you not only heal but make lasting changes to how you approach challenging situations.
Kindness after miscarriage / loss
Experiencing loss is one of the hardest experiences we can go through in life. Death is so sudden and always final.
What once was is no more and often it happens just like that. We struggle to prepare for death because life happens right in front of our eyes. And that is ok. As humans, we focus on the good things because that way we sustain ourselves.
So when death crosses our path everything comes to a grinding halt. It is a massive slap in the face, a kick in the groin, a punch in the throat that takes our breath away.
Pain comes rushing in where there had been joy and excitement.
Anger is quick to set in, too.
When you suffer a miscarriage, anger is especially strong. It is just not fair that we were pregnant one day and the next it is all gone! There is often no warning, nothing. Just like that – snap! Our path changed directions forever. We are left with so many questions and heartache. A miscarriage is a very unique loss as we have lost someone we haven’t met but loved so much. (If you are looking for a great resource to help you heal from miscarriage, check out my book ‘How to survive a miscarriage here .)
Anger is also part of grieving when we have lost a loved one. It doesn’t matter whether they were taken by surprise or were given a diagnosis a few months before.
Either way, death is cruel and just not fair!
They had so much life left in them, so much more to explore, learn and discover. But it was not meant to happen.
Grief can takes us into some really dark corners. It can be suffocating. It can get too much. That is why kindness can be highly beneficial to your healing process.
Kindness softens the blow a little bit and it allows us to choose a path to healing that works for us.
Stop self judgment
The first step is to look at the situation without judgment. It is what it is. Don’t beat yourself up because you have been so down and don’t be harsh on yourself because you struggle to get on with life after your loss.
Such thoughts are rooted in expectations others have of us. To them, death is still uncomfortable so they don’t want to hear about your experience.
So choose consciously to be kind to yourself and shut out the negative self talk.
Acknowledge that is so unfair. It is heartbreaking and soul destroying that your baby or loved one died. It sucks and hurts so bad. The pain of your loss is enough to carry right now. You don’t need to add on to it by
- Trying to do what others think is the right thing (like getting better because it’s been a few weeks since your loss).
- Keep their expectations out of your thoughts. You deserve to be kind to yourself.
- Allow yourself to not be ok.
- Take the time you need to grieve
- Focus your energy on yourself first
That is kindness towards yourself in action. These actions will help you feel better over time and prepare you for your new life after loss. And yes, it will be a life where joy, love and happiness will have their place again.
Kindness after trauma / mental health issues
In today’s time, many of us have survived serious trauma such as domestic violence and/or childhood abuse. Others are dealing with mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.
For people living with trauma and/or mental health issues it is especially important to allow kindness into their healing journey.
For those of us who live with trauma and mental health challenges it is often not easy. To the outside world, we seem fine. The wounds we carry are not clearly visible hence people tend to get funny about our suffering.
As a result, we often end up suffering in silence, which worsens our conditions. We feel like we are failure and that is something is wrong with us because we are not as well as others want us to be. Instead of healing, we make ourselves feel worse because we just can’t hack it. Apparently.
Kindness becomes a powerful ally
When we are faced with all these opinions, judgments and criticisms even, it can become easy to believe them.
Kindness will teach you otherwise. Similar to someone struggling after a loss, the most important step first is to take the judgment out of the situation. It is what it is.
Having mental health issues is nothing bad, wrong or shameful.
We are made to think of it that way because of others. It becomes our new fake and toxic inner voice.
Allow yourself to listen to YOUR own voice. That is kindness in action for you.
Your true inner voice will tell you that you are doing great. You are putting one foot in front of the other. You are getting through the day one hour at a time.
Don’t let blame stop you
To start healing from trauma and mental health issues, allow yourself to
- Retreat and take a break from the world to regroup
- Celebrate small victories (like washing your hair today)
- Remind yourself that tomorrow is a new day if today has been bad
- Set up your own pace – right now is not about pleasing others
- Seek help from people you trust
These steps might seem simple and they are. That is not the point though.
So often, people who suffer from trauma and mental health issues blame themselves and look at themselves negatively.
With that mindset, it becomes hard to even take simple steps because they believe they don’t deserve to feel better.
And who can be upset about that, if we consider society’s attitude towards mental illness? We have a long way to go to end the stigma around mental health. Until then, it is vital for sufferers to treat themselves kindly so they can continue healing, despite less than ideal circumstances.
Kindness after breakdowns (mental/personal/business)
If we all lived in fairy tales, our relationships would never end and break down. Also, we would never be so stressed out that we suffer from a mental breakdown. Everything would be rosy and perfect all day long.
Alas, that is not the reality. In our world, relationships break down. We break down. And it is up to us to pick up the pieces and start afresh.
The end of relationships, personal with a close loved one or in business with partners or clients, is always traumatic. Most of the time, we tried everything we could to salvage the relationship. We went to great lengths and persevered again and again. Yet it did not bring the result we were hoping for.
When an important relationship breaks down, a lot of questions come up. Why couldn’t it be prevented? What could I have done differently? And so on and so forth.
While such thoughts are understandable and part of the process, they are also potentially dangerous. Such thoughts might trigger a downward spiral towards self loathing and shaming.Once more, kindness is here to help prevent that.
See it differently with kindness
With relationship breakdowns, it gets incredibly personal very quickly. We were invested in the relationship 100%. That means with ALL our heart and soul (that can include business relationships, too!).
A breakdown feels like a rejection. We were not good enough, obviously. If we were, it wouldn’t have ended! No.
Time for kindness to step in. Allow it to help you see the situation differently. Stop being so harsh and unforgiving with yourself. Yes, mistakes have been made – on all sides. It would be easy to shoulder the whole blame for the breakdown. Let’s not though.
Allow your emotions to be
Instead, allow yourself to feel all the emotions.
Observe them. They all need to be acknowledged but NOT judged. When you do that, you allow yourself to see more clearly through it all.
Push harsh (self) judgment away.
Focus on how you are feeling now. Allow yourself to feel hurt. This is kindness in action even if it might not feel that way.
The first step to healing from a relationship breakdown is to let ALL the emotions flow. Do not hold on to them. Release them, write them down, scream it out but let them go.
Kindness can help us heal quicker if we allow ourselves to step away from other people’s expectations (you should be graceful after a break up, you should keep it together) and concentrate on what is going on within us.
Yes, it is painful but it is not toxic because you have turned a deaf ear to the outside world and its opinions and are listening inwardly.
Learn more about healing with kindness
I hope you have found some of these tips helpful to you and your situation. If you like to learn more about how kindness can help you heal and improve your mental wellbeing then feel free to check out my ‘Nurturing Kindness’ online retreat. Find more information HERE .