Today, I got nothing. I am out of everything – hope, faith, energy, positivity, belief, self-esteem. Everything.
It has been an incredibly exhausting week for me – mentally, emotionally and physically. I have been sick with the flu und it is clinging to me very stubbornly. The low grade fever won’t leave me and it seems, it will settle in for good. My girls have been just as sick. We as a family experienced different hardships this week and they seem never ending. I feel lonely and isolated and I can’t see the way out.
I feel like a hypocrite, as I always believed things would get better. I have been through very challenging times before but right now, this seems like a mountain too high to climb and conquer. Living without faith is extremely hard and draining and it seems – pointless. I will keep going but right now, I don’t know if there is much point to it.
I watched a TV show this week called ’24hrs in emergency’ that was filmed in a hospital where the ER treats many patients with mental health illnesses. One of the psychiatric nurses said something that stuck with me: ‘You can’t medicate for loneliness’.
‘You can’t medicate for loneliness’.
How true is that? I believe loneliness kills. Lack of kindness kills. Lack of understanding kills. And all of it is fairly common in our world.
Sometimes it feels to me as if we all get slowly killed by this insane need to pretend to have a happy, glossy life that we can display on social media. Everyone seems to compete on who has the cutest kids, the best holiday, the biggest house and the sexiest partner. We shrink to shallow bulging balloons which, when popped, leave nothing but hot air. Nothing of essence remains. People are not interested anymore in becoming kinder, more compassionate or develop a higher social conscience. It’s all about marketing our kids off so they can be ‘models’ and learn that inner worth means nothing if you don’t have the external looks.
I am fed up with it. I struggle, I feel alone and I don’t want to pick myself up anymore. I am just not shallow enough to do that. So dying slowly of loneliness it is then.