When depression spreads through my body
Things have been pretty tough for me lately. Life around us has not been nice; it has been downright awful and super challenging. It didn’t feel like I had a lot of control over things. We do like to have control though, don’t we? It is frustrating, infuriating and depressing. So very depressing. What is the point of living if we have no control? Such thoughts are super tough to deal with it and I think we can all agree they are not nice to have and even harder to shake.
I don’t like it when insanity creeps in and seem to settle in nice and comfy near my heart and soul. In fact, I hate it. It gives me this lump in my stomach, which seems like a black hole and a rock at the same time. I want it gone but only outside factors can change that. I also get the tightness in my chest that makes it hard to breathe freely. So yeah, it is pretty messy and it is all caused by shame and guilt. I feel ashamed of not being in control, I feel guilty for feeling like that and then cycle starts all over again. Today I can’t seem to get out of the cycle and head towards a bit of a happier place. I want to make everything right but it seems I can’t. So what do I do instead?
Ain’t that just the best solution to bad situations? Endure. I think it is life telling us that hardly anything can be controlled by us. Instead, we need to go with the flow and let some things happen. As always, that is so much easier said than done. We want control and we want it now and always. But instead the universe is forcing me to trust and have faith, now more than ever. But I don’t want to have faith. I can’t grab it, I can’t see it and I can’t control it either.
Faith sucks. Right?
No, it doesn’t. It is one of life’s big challenges. Your life is a mess, definitely not calm and the more you hang on to a tiny speck of control, the worse it gets. To get better, we need to LET GO and take a leap of… yeah, faith. TRUST that things will get better. STOP thinking about negative things. BREATHE. And then go on into the unknown.
So, there, nice and easy. Not really but you know what? I feel already a bit better having all this written down. The lump/hole in my tummy is not as obvious anymore. The chest feels still a bit tight from sadness but you get that. Not everything falls into place just like that. It falls into place piece by piece. So let’s keep going, all of us. Take a leap of faith today. It will be fine.
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