Having a child is a wish many couples have and one that comes easily for some and with a lot of heartbreak for others. Suffering a miscarriage is still something that is left unspoken and leaves so many suffering in silence.
The truth is that miscarriage is a real loss.
All the feelings of grief, sadness, despair and resentment are valid. This is really the first step of healing after you have suffered a miscarriage – to acknowledge what you feel and not feel bad about it. This may sound easy but often is not. For many people, friends, family and medical professionals alike, a miscarriage is common and normal and therefore not a big deal. However – miscarriages are a big deal and telling survivors otherwise is disrespectful and shame inducing.
The last thing someone who just suffered a miscarriage, needs is to be told to ‘get over it’ or ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’. There are no at least statement after miscarriage. Do take time to process your feelings and in fact, take as much time as you need.
There is no timeline to healing after miscarriage, only your timeline.
Allow yourself to take the time you need and not the time you think you are allowed to take to heal. Acknowledging your feelings can come in different forms. Write them down, talk about them, draw, doodle or paint them. Do what feels right for you and remind yourself that this is YOUR healing and YOU get to decide what works for you.
Suffering a miscarriage and losing a baby that way is a complicated loss, especially if you lost your baby early in pregnancy. You lost someone you have never met but quite possibly loved so much already. It is important to cry when needed and grieve not only the loss but also what could have been. Expecting couples often have many ideas, wishes and dreams about life as a family and they are shattered in an instant when suffering a miscarriage. Healing from miscarriage needs to include that part, too.
It is very human to think ahead and imagine what this new chapter in life could look like.
Therefore, it is important to acknowledge what has so abruptly stopped. The most important thing you can do for yourself when healing from a miscarriage is to remind yourself that you did nothing wrong. This is not your fault. We are so quick to shame ourselves when something goes wrong and suffering a miscarriage hits especially hard. The best and kindest thing you can do for yourself when healing is to free yourself of entrenched beliefs that only exists to hurt us and drown us in shame.
Allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings, to whatever depth is needed and to remember and honour your baby in a way that works for you. It doesn’t matter at what age we lose someone we love, they deserve to be remembered. Plant a tree or rosebush, buy a candle or special keepsake box – whatever you feel called to do, do it. You are allowed to create meaningful rituals as they are so powerful for our healing. Whatever you choose to do, it will make your loss more tangible, it gives you something to look at or feel.
Grieving needs to include our senses so we can process our emotions better.
Healing from miscarriage is not easy but as time goes on, you get to know yourself better on a deeper level and learn to honour where you are at and what you need as your healing journey progresses.
To continue reading about this topic, check out my book, How to Survive a Miscarriage, here.